Rebuilding

"Don’t be afraid, don’t worry yourself. The end and the beginning, beginning and the end are connected." — BTS, Spring Day

    I can't help but ruminate. How can my life be changed in an instant? It takes years to build oneself, and yet I feel as if I have lost her within a year.

But I haven't she is just being rebuilt

A year ago, I met someone. Someone who destroyed me, someone who sucked the life out of me without remorse. The worst part is. He didn't care

But this is not his story it is mine.

I ruminate. I'm not good enough, I gave up on the relationship, I gave up on him, what if he changes? What if I was being too drastic and he is actually the love of my life, and I will never find someone like that again...

stop.

I pause my world. Then I look within. What did he give to me. I know I gave to him; I spent nights listening to his woes, about his exes who blocked him, I would listen to him praise other women while putting me down, I would listen to him degrade other, degrade me, abuse me, lie to me, manipulate me.

and I allowed it.

why?

because while he was a son of a bitch, he offered me something, or at least a fantasy of something. Because when I look back, I never believed the love bombing. I knew from the start he was bad. But I stayed. Why? because he filled a void. Something that has been left since childhood. He was like petroleum to my fire. He lit me up, and I became uncontrollable.

I started to burn everything in my way, including myself.

He had no remorse, he set me off and provided no other comfort. When I left, I felt as if I had nothing, not even myself.

The flame has now burned out and I am nothing.

I wanted to fix him. I craved to fix him. It was chemical. I needed to fix him, but I couldn't. He couldn't be fixed. He didn't want to be fixed.

I saw my mom, and my mom's mom, and my moms, mom, mom, and I envisioned the ancestors. How far did the pain go back?

suddenly I'm 10 again. Mommy and daddy are fighting. Mommy dosen't understand that her words hurt, just as her mom was ignorent to her, and her moms....

enough

I can't fix her. I could never fix her.

I can' fix him, I can never fix him.

Then I sit. There is that void I am talking about, the one that sits, the one that was fueled by the petroleum.

Hurt.

But how can I blame these people, ignorant in their ways. I know they are products of their environment.

Yet I have now accepted, in order to not fall into the generational trap, I must separate myself.

So, thank you to the petroleum. Because, without you I would never realized how high the fire could truly get.

-I wish you well. but never speak to me again.