I Don't Remember Much

 I don't remember much.

I remember the pain, the sadness, the regret. I remember thinking to myself I must be crazy, I must be mad. I remember feeling the sinking in my stomach. I witheld tears. The lonliness. The innate feeling to run, but being unable. I remember all of that. 

But I don't remember.

I don't remember why, I just know I did, and also I remember that even though I did I knew I shouldn't. 

I remeber people telling me I was crazy. I remember to stupid shit to try and make him care, and when he didn't I would do something more, and more insane. But he never cared. Never like I did.

I listen to music, I thought the songs reminded me of him. Even the happy ones, the ones the speak joy and life. But I realized it wasn't him I was reminded of. It was the feeling

but I don't remember the details.

It's grief, it's shame, it's a deep lonliness. More than anything it is the sinking feeling that something within you has collapsed. Like a vortex opened up in the middle of my stomach, sucking the life. I am going inwards upon myself, but there is nothing in that hole. It's like I'm sinking, crying out for life. 

I want to scream at myself. Wake up. Become who you once were.

Then the ultimate fear comes upon me. I don't think I know who I am. Further, did I ever know who I was in the first place?

Nevermind that. Even if I did have an identity she is gone.

I mourn her, whoever she is.

There is this girl at work. Shes young, senior in high school, and, I look at her. Shes welcoming, the type of person to jump if someone needed help. Always nice to others. When I first met her I was put off. I lectured myself because how am I going to be put off by a teenager. But I sat, I really looked at her and I looked at myself and realized. I think I use to have the life that she has. But it's gone. I'm empty, and she has that life I once had. How sad.

Is this the message of life? Become broken, rebuild, repeat? I'm scared. So scared if I will ever get that life back. But do I even want it? That life is what got me into trouble in the first place. That self-sacrifice, that willingness to die for a stranger. It almost killed me. But I miss her. I loved her so much. But also, she was weak. She was easy to manipulate; she was so innocent. 

I don't think I can come back.