I have to learn to forgive myself. i don't think I'm quite there yet.

The things I did I feel a lot of guilt and shame; I talk to my therapist about this. At first I didn't even realized it was guilt or shame, but it stuck me as she told me I hold a lot of it within myself for a lot of things.

I look at myself in the mirror. I think I'm both cool, but also broken, a mess, lethargic, if that even makes sense. I feel like a shell. Once I emptied out the people who once used me, I felt nothing. As if the life had been sucked out of me. Like I was dragged through the mud and the mud became quicksand and I was just kind of there sinking. No one by my side but me, but even then how does one get out of that situation without a hand?

and yeah, I'm fighting like hell not to sink into the depths. Everytime I feel like I finally am almost out, something else hits. A memory, a feeling, a realization. I think it would be a lot easier if I had someone by my side, but even then, what could they even do without drowning with me? 

I think I feel grief and shame for what happend, but I also feel some sort of relief. What that person sparked in me was dark, but my shadow was unraveled. I think thats a beautiful thing. What is human nature without darkness. What is my light without night. What is summer without spring, and fall, and all the seasons. I felt my ego being shattered. I thank him for that. I think of all the generations before me. My ancestors. My mom, and her mom. Did they all fall into the trap? Am I the first to get out?

I make this ammendment to my life; I will never settle for less. I will never let anyone drain me, suck me dry. Further I will not give beyond my means. I will not give without giving to myself first. I am my own light,

no one can save me from the quicksand but myself.