I have to learn to forgive myself. i don't think I'm quite there yet.

The things I did I feel a lot of guilt and shame; I talk to my therapist about this. At first I didn't even realized it was guilt or shame, but it stuck me as she told me I hold a lot of it within myself for a lot of things.

I look at myself in the mirror. I think I'm both cool, but also broken, a mess, lethargic, if that even makes sense. I feel like a shell. Once I emptied out the people who once used me, I felt nothing. As if the life had been sucked out of me. Like I was dragged through the mud and the mud became quicksand and I was just kind of there sinking. No one by my side but me, but even then how does one get out of that situation without a hand?

and yeah, I'm fighting like hell not to sink into the depths. Everytime I feel like I finally am almost out, something else hits. A memory, a feeling, a realization. I think it would be a lot easier if I had someone by my side, but even then, what could they even do without drowning with me? 

I think I feel grief and shame for what happend, but I also feel some sort of relief. What that person sparked in me was dark, but my shadow was unraveled. I think thats a beautiful thing. What is human nature without darkness. What is my light without night. What is summer without spring, and fall, and all the seasons. I felt my ego being shattered. I thank him for that. I think of all the generations before me. My ancestors. My mom, and her mom. Did they all fall into the trap? Am I the first to get out?

I make this ammendment to my life; I will never settle for less. I will never let anyone drain me, suck me dry. Further I will not give beyond my means. I will not give without giving to myself first. I am my own light,

no one can save me from the quicksand but myself.

I Don't Remember Much

 I don't remember much.

I remember the pain, the sadness, the regret. I remember thinking to myself I must be crazy, I must be mad. I remember feeling the sinking in my stomach. I witheld tears. The lonliness. The innate feeling to run, but being unable. I remember all of that. 

But I don't remember.

I don't remember why, I just know I did, and also I remember that even though I did I knew I shouldn't. 

I remeber people telling me I was crazy. I remember to stupid shit to try and make him care, and when he didn't I would do something more, and more insane. But he never cared. Never like I did.

I listen to music, I thought the songs reminded me of him. Even the happy ones, the ones the speak joy and life. But I realized it wasn't him I was reminded of. It was the feeling

but I don't remember the details.

It's grief, it's shame, it's a deep lonliness. More than anything it is the sinking feeling that something within you has collapsed. Like a vortex opened up in the middle of my stomach, sucking the life. I am going inwards upon myself, but there is nothing in that hole. It's like I'm sinking, crying out for life. 

I want to scream at myself. Wake up. Become who you once were.

Then the ultimate fear comes upon me. I don't think I know who I am. Further, did I ever know who I was in the first place?

Nevermind that. Even if I did have an identity she is gone.

I mourn her, whoever she is.

There is this girl at work. Shes young, senior in high school, and, I look at her. Shes welcoming, the type of person to jump if someone needed help. Always nice to others. When I first met her I was put off. I lectured myself because how am I going to be put off by a teenager. But I sat, I really looked at her and I looked at myself and realized. I think I use to have the life that she has. But it's gone. I'm empty, and she has that life I once had. How sad.

Is this the message of life? Become broken, rebuild, repeat? I'm scared. So scared if I will ever get that life back. But do I even want it? That life is what got me into trouble in the first place. That self-sacrifice, that willingness to die for a stranger. It almost killed me. But I miss her. I loved her so much. But also, she was weak. She was easy to manipulate; she was so innocent. 

I don't think I can come back.

Week of 3/02 :)

 

Ghost of the Past

 “The body remembers what the mind forgets.” — Unknown

    This week has been a bit hard. I met him a year ago today, and it sparked a lot of memories, emotions, and pain. I realized it via snapchat memories, great old snapchat really knows how to put a girl in a good mood... After I saw the first memory, I deleted the remaining memories from that week. it's gone, I'm glad, but it still lives on. Mostly in my body. I've been pretty good about shoving those memories away when they pop up, for better or for worse, but it's hard. It's hard because it's like a deep pain in my chest still. I can't even describe the energy within those memories expect for dark and helpless. Those memories are what it was like when I was a kid sleeping in complete darkness alone. So helpless, it's almost terrifying.

    But yesterday I severed the last tie I had with him. I blocked his mom. She didn't do anything, really, she is the sweetest woman and to be quite honest, I feel a bit bad for her. But I was asking myself, why do I have her on my phone? the excuse I was originally giving others, and myself, is that it was for my safety, that it was so if he decides to do something to me, I will have his moms number to use. But I realized that, I can just store that information elsewhere. I don't need to be her Facebook friend. She has done a lot for me, but also, she did a lot for me because of her son, and now that her son is no longer in my picture, she doesn't need to be in the picture either for me, or her own self. So, I deleted her. That was the last tie to him. When I severed it, it definitely sparked some anxiety, but now the next day I feel a lot better about it.

I think I'm healing, I don't feel as hopeless. It's hard. It really is, but it's getting better. Because it always gets better, how cool is that about life? No matter how hard you struggle it always somehow turn out to be aye-okay

As for other news, I got into grad school! It feels as if things are falling into place, I'm super excited and really looking forward for the next step into my life. It definitely feels like a lot of doors are closing, but a lot are also opening.

2024...

 I still hope you get everything you ever wanted, but I hope I hear nothing about it....

-Grace Haley, Life After You

    I'm here again. Not recovered, but not suffering as I once was. How painful it is to love someone who will never have the capacity to love your back. I was watching some videos today. It reminded me that, that person was meant to be in my life. You know that saying, the one that goes something like some people are supposed to pop in your life for a season, or a lesson. I'm viewing this relationship as that now.

    Because yeah, not a pleasant experience. I'm at a point where I have realized that what I was going through was emotional abuse, it's the worst. No one seems to understand. Because to them it was just some shitty guy, I let walk all over me. Sure, you can look at it that way. I'm not going to say that is untrue, but what is truer is that I loved someone, and because I loved them, I allowed them to step on me, use me. I told him once. I told him that I knew he was using me, but in an odd way I didn't care. That was true in some aspect. I wanted him to be happy. Even if he was using me, in some way I thought by draining the life out of me one day he would heal. One day he will be whole and help me build myself back up again. But he was a vampire, and I was a victim, and that is the extend of our relationship from an outsider's perspective. Our relationship as a concept was just that. But the individual feelings within me, were so complex and, I could never figure it out. Why didn't I care that he was using me? Why didn't I care, why was I a doormat, his mother, his therapist, in return for absolutely nothing

    I realized I have discarded my needs. I remember contemplating to myself, am I asking for too much? Maybe he did this thing because I haven't communicated my boundaries enough, maybe I'm being too needy. Then I looked at him. He never had love. Never once. He told me he loved me, but I never felt it. Still, I questioned my feelings, because I loved him. Surely, I was not going to let my needs get in the way of my love. So, I discarded it, abandoning myself, and not only was he not fulfilling any of my needs, soon enough I discarded myself.

I lost myself, giving into something that was not fulfilling.

    So, I tell myself. Yes. I loved him, even when he took the mask off, there was a love I had for him, and in those moments where he wasn't love bombing me, I even still loved him. I loved him in the way that I saw his brokenness, I saw his child self-begging to be comforted, and God I wish I could have been there for him.

    But this Isn't a fantasy novel, this is real life. He has suffered great loss; he is a suffered soul. But I am also not God. I am not a magician; I am not some sacred force.

My love cannot change him. 

My love cannot fix him.

My love cannot heal him.

    So, it saddens me. I wish I could hate him, but I don't. If along the line he somehow magically changes, I would be so proud. That's what I hate. I hate that despite it all, I wish him the best.

    I thank him. I thank him for the wound he has unlocked, that has now allowed me to dig deep in my past and heal. I thank him for his energy, his need for adventure has fueled me to stop being so stuck and rigid and open up more. These are things I thank. Things I will take with me. I don't know if he cared at all, if he has the capacity to care, to self-improve, but I wish him the best. Truely.

    Today was a decent day, I was one of those days I didn't think much about him. I went to work; I'm starting to open up at work. I'm feeling more myself at work. I'm still tired a lot of the day, but I think that I am slowly healing.

    Tomorrow, I have a grad school interview. I'm both super nervous and excited!

Rebuilding

"Don’t be afraid, don’t worry yourself. The end and the beginning, beginning and the end are connected." — BTS, Spring Day

    I can't help but ruminate. How can my life be changed in an instant? It takes years to build oneself, and yet I feel as if I have lost her within a year.

But I haven't she is just being rebuilt

A year ago, I met someone. Someone who destroyed me, someone who sucked the life out of me without remorse. The worst part is. He didn't care

But this is not his story it is mine.

I ruminate. I'm not good enough, I gave up on the relationship, I gave up on him, what if he changes? What if I was being too drastic and he is actually the love of my life, and I will never find someone like that again...

stop.

I pause my world. Then I look within. What did he give to me. I know I gave to him; I spent nights listening to his woes, about his exes who blocked him, I would listen to him praise other women while putting me down, I would listen to him degrade other, degrade me, abuse me, lie to me, manipulate me.

and I allowed it.

why?

because while he was a son of a bitch, he offered me something, or at least a fantasy of something. Because when I look back, I never believed the love bombing. I knew from the start he was bad. But I stayed. Why? because he filled a void. Something that has been left since childhood. He was like petroleum to my fire. He lit me up, and I became uncontrollable.

I started to burn everything in my way, including myself.

He had no remorse, he set me off and provided no other comfort. When I left, I felt as if I had nothing, not even myself.

The flame has now burned out and I am nothing.

I wanted to fix him. I craved to fix him. It was chemical. I needed to fix him, but I couldn't. He couldn't be fixed. He didn't want to be fixed.

I saw my mom, and my mom's mom, and my moms, mom, mom, and I envisioned the ancestors. How far did the pain go back?

suddenly I'm 10 again. Mommy and daddy are fighting. Mommy dosen't understand that her words hurt, just as her mom was ignorent to her, and her moms....

enough

I can't fix her. I could never fix her.

I can' fix him, I can never fix him.

Then I sit. There is that void I am talking about, the one that sits, the one that was fueled by the petroleum.

Hurt.

But how can I blame these people, ignorant in their ways. I know they are products of their environment.

Yet I have now accepted, in order to not fall into the generational trap, I must separate myself.

So, thank you to the petroleum. Because, without you I would never realized how high the fire could truly get.

-I wish you well. but never speak to me again.